Fair Enough

I better chat a little longer about this experience I had as a tourist visiting Europe. I don't want anyone to think I have any hard feelings about it. I look back on it as a fond memory of my wild youth and I would love to get back over there for another visit. This time I'd bring my guitar. Last time I think I was a success as a comedian, though this was inadvertent. The Dutch, in particular, found my conversation amusing. They were so hospitable to me in Amsterdam. One of them took me on a little sight seeing tour through the old part of town on my first day there. When we got to the outdoor market, he commented that 'before the war, this used to be all Jews'. I pictured what a problem that would have been, great gangs of bearded transients bowing their heads up and down and playing their chaotic jazz saxophones all hours of the day and night, making such a nuisance of themselves in the street. But they don't have any problems like that now. I went to Amsterdam first and one of my first tourist stops was Anne Frank House. I hadn't heard of Anne Frank before that. An American tourist invited me to visit the house with her. She's the one who got me telling people I was Jewish. She told me she was Jewish and I didn't believe her because she had blond hair and blue eyes. After that, I thought 'everyone tells everyone they're Jewish over here and it's okay.' It's her fault. She's from San Diego. I can't remember her name. She took me to Anne Frank House and made me want to be a Jew for the rest of my European tour. And now look at all the trouble she's caused! Some people don't like Jews. All right, well, the Jews reject Christ, right? So that's going to offend some people. I don't hate them, myself, as long as they don't rip off my scripts like Jon Stewart and Tina Fey. But I don't hold these crimes against the whole Jewish people. I see people as individuals. It lets me judge them fairly. I think the Germans are a very physically attractive people. They're tall and fit. I was particularly aware of how I lost my height advantage over there. (I'm six feet and two inches or 185 cm.) You'd never know that these immaculate people today were once swamped by bearded, wild eyed Jewish Gypsies with saxophones on every street corner, whose monkeys would run loose and bite the women and infect them with bubonic plague. I'm telling you, you'd never guess it from looking at them now. I'm back to make sure I cover everything this time. This is a sensitive topic. I ate well this afternoon: back bacon, pierogies, sour cream, and corn. Here in Canada, bacon is plentiful. Back in my little home town, we could select our own pigs for slaughter. I always paid the extra to get the one with the most innocent expression. They always tasted the best. So I should tell Germans I'm not trying to make fun of them or typecast them here. I asked for it by proclaiming myself as a Jew in their country. I imposed the Holocaust on our party, though I was just being a crazy Canadian. For the future, though, I should say that if someone is in Germany, identifying himself as a Jew, he is probably lying. A real Jewish person would know that it would be asking for trouble to tell people he was Jewish and he would avoid it. For instance, Jon Stewart changed his name to Stewart because, in his own words, his real name was 'too Jewy'. I didn't know I would be asking for trouble by saying I'm Jewish because I'm not Jewish. I'm Norman Irish/Liverpool English/Prussian Polish-Canadian non practicing Roman Catholic. Why is that so hard for you all to remember? We Canadians had ancestors who had a similar problem with transient natives, didn't we? Weren't they obstructing the stage coaches with their rain dances and constantly robbing the liquor stores? People are shaped by how they are brought up. In that way, we're all the same.
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