Earnest Lessons

We had a very unusual Australian geography teacher one year, back when I was still in school. He didn't punish lateness, so our marks would rise by as much as fifty percent over the last week of class. His focus was less on geography than on learning habits. He wanted us to 'learn how to learn'. We thought he was a bit of an oddball at the time, but now I think he's one of the coolest teachers I ever had. Of all the things they try to teach us in school, they often overlook the very fundamental lesson of how to learn. Without proper learning habits, our whole education may be compromised. I have tried to learn from this nightmare of being online. I have had to adjust myself to the conditions of being widely read on the internet and surrender myself to the likelihood that I will never again be able to live a normal life. I've had to learn to absorb rude remarks from strangers that once might have provoked me to violence. And I've tried to learn what I need to do to make money from my work. I know I can't just leave it online forever, I'll have to perform at some point. I've learned that I will need to adopt a more businesslike attitude to get ahead with my work. These are hard lessons for me, but I expect to profit from them, with enough time and effort. And what has the business learned? Have they learned that they are losing money now because of their fraud? Or is Saturday Night Live still making money? (I'm not a hundred percent on that bulletin that they were cancelled.) They wouldn't be able to make money if they were cancelled, though. And are the Simpsons making money? Is Family Guy making money? Is Jon Stewart making any money? How about my songs? Is Godspeed making any money? Is Size making money? Is Virtue making money? Is Canopy making any money? Is Fortune making any money? You can look through my lyrics index to check to see if any of my other songs that once played on a popular radio station is still making money. And if they're not making money, then the business lost that money. The business needs to learn to admit their loss when they lose money so they can change their behavior accordingly. If they pretend they're not losing money when they are, they'll eventually go bankrupt. And I'm telling you business guys now that I'm going to try to be professional about this. I have no problem wearing a suit and going to talk to lawyers to get this all straightened out. I look good in a suit. Every man looks good in a suit. So if I'm willing to think more like you, could you try to look at this from my side a little more? You might learn something. You might learn that talent is very much like money, it is rare. It derives its value from scarcity. That is why we have an array of stars that spans the globe who all depended on the work of one author, myself. My talent is rare. Once I fix it so Saturday Night Live can't steal my scripts anymore, there is no one else to fill that talent vacuum. And it is even more rare for a musician to be such an accomplished comedy author. Talent is rare. It is like money. And if you had the same love for talent that you have for money, you'd - as Jon Stewart once said - need a forklift to carry home your profits from my work. What have I learned about women? Well, I wasn't trying to brag or anything yesterday by mentioning that zealous response I got from one of my women fans who obviously found my music sexually stimulating. But once you've been through that kind of situation where women are letting you know they like you, it sort of spoils you and it is next to impossible to go back to however you were with women before that. I've learned that the women love me most of all whenever it looks like the business is behind me. They are far more impressed by wealth and stardom than they are by talent. And yet, I still want to get intimate with them. So this could still have a happy ending. I hope we'll all be able to learn from this and proceed to a profitable future together.
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