Flatten the Comics

The stupid slogan on the side of the bus was a direct ripoff of one of my blog titles. It shows the poverty of creative talent in the industry. Industry people should be banned from reading my blogs. I'm sick of this shit. So this slogan says 'evergreen means go'. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? In my Saint Patrick's Day comedy post, 'green means go' was a reference to traffic lights. What does this slogan refer to but my blog post? I think it means that creative advertising people are all brain dead from relying too heavily on their gadgets to do everything for them. And I notice the profound effect my writing has had on package design, such as the descriptive paragraphs I may see on a bag of potato chips. I do all the innovating and these bums take all the profits for it. Be on the lookout for cartoons that plagiarize my blog posts, as well, please. They go to prison for that. I'd draw cartoons but I'm too busy with all the other work I shouldn't have to do by myself. That's really underhanded of them to take advantage of me when I'm in this position. Gadgets are killing our creativity. Ipods don't write hit songs. Ipads don't author comedy scripts or poems. Too much technology makes us lazy and unoriginal. TV and video games are sucking the imaginations right out of us. Look what happened to Jon Stewart. He played so many video games that he turned into a cartoon who had no real life of his own to supply him with his punchlines. Soft living appears to have had a similar effect on all the TV hosts who robbed my posts. When am I ever going to be able to lounge around and be loved like all these lazy pricks on TV? At least I will have earned it, having done all their jobs myself for the last ten to twenty years as everyone wrongly accused me of fraud. That 11:35pm Pacific time problem I reported a few days ago seems to line up with the broadcast of a late night talk show. Has anyone investigated it? Since probably more than half of my statements read like the last ten years of Jay Leno's monologues, someone should be watching out for this kind of crime now. I'll help by compiling another list of potentially humorous excerpts from my statements of the last few weeks and posting it here so you can check to see if any of it has appeared as some dim witted TV talk show host's material. Dec 7 (today): I hitchhiked through Wales a little when I visited England in late '88. Judging from the writing on their street signs, I think my last name might translate smoothly to 'Smith' by the Welsh alphabet. [They need someone with a long funny name to use that one, just like Ellen thought she was entitled to steal my Widower poem because she's lesbian.] Dec 6: There's some kind of strange slippery substance all over the ground here. I don't know what it is. I'm afraid we may have been invaded by some monstrous alien plague, like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It's white and cold and it kills the flowers. It couldn't possibly be snow. I know snow. I'm from Eastern Ontario. We don't get snow here in Vancouver. This must be something else. You'd better keep a close eye on each other and make sure no one's turning into a zombie. If we deal with this menace early, we may yet save our planet. Dec 3: [My Polish friend] said, 'Yes, they [Germans] are fine as individuals, but don't get four or five of them marching.' [How's Seal's German wife? Has she been on the Tonight Show recently?] Dec 1: I was praying to the Lord for a kinky nurse. She doesn't have to be redhead, as long as she has the right, adventurous type of attitude. Alas, I must wait a while longer for that prayer to be answered. Nov 30: Oh well, I guess until then I must make do with subtle hints from strange, beautiful women to let me know if they like me, such as when they confront me point blank with the words, I'll eat your cum. Nov 30: So we have a clash here which is another one of those clashes that puts you on one side or another, depending on how you were brought up, but at least there is no shortage of rabbis who would like to debate the question of Jesus Christ's legitimacy... Nov 29: You'd never know that these immaculate people [Germans] today were once swamped by bearded, wild eyed Jewish Gypsies with saxophones on every street corner, whose monkeys would run loose and bite the women and infect them with bubonic plague...We Canadians had ancestors who had a similar problem with transient natives, didn't we? Weren't they obstructing the stage coaches with their rain dances and constantly robbing the liquor stores? Nov 29 (same post): Here in Canada, bacon is plentiful. Back in my little home town, we could select our own pigs for slaughter. I always paid the extra to get the one with the most innocent expression. Nov 29 (same post): I'm not Jewish. I'm Norman Irish/Liverpool English/Prussian Polish-Canadian non practicing Roman Catholic. Why is that so hard for you all to remember? Nov 27: I didn't go around telling everyone I was a Jew. I only told one person, but that was enough to get the word around. And they [Germans] really tried to make me feel comfortable. They took me to a Communist bar and surrounded me with psychology students who were all deeply interested in my ideas. I think they were very thoughtful and considerate, especially when I told them my father had served in the Canadian army. I wasn't thinking of how they might be offended by a Canadian army Jew, who probably didn't treat the prisoners very well. Nov 27 (same post): Canadians can be very naive, like Gerald Bull. Can you picture Gerald Bull in the restaurant on the night before he was gunned down, chatting with his colleagues about his latest project for Saddam, as Mossad agents eavesdropped from another table? 'I don't know what he sees in those scuds. He can't launch supplies to a space station with those. Why, even with my latest ballistic improvements, he could barely reach Tel Aviv with a scud! What a waste of time...' Nov 25: My friend was saying it's all destabilized over there [Iraq] now. I told him that maybe that's the way we want it over there. Maybe it helps us when they're messed up. I'm sorry if that sounds cold, but we want to keep the trouble far away, right? If this is the best the computer could think of, we should just trust the computer and be glad it's not telling us to kill ourselves. The computer is always right. If they had the computer, they'd come to the same brutal conclusion about us, I'm sure. Nov 25 (same post): Right now President Obama is in private conference with President Elect Trump in the Oval Office. Obama is showing Trump how to operate the computer that makes all the most impossible decisions for us and can predict the future with total accuracy. Obama's telling Trump to do everything the computer says and to not make a move without it. Nov 24: I wasn't trying to be mean or anything. I was curious about how it would feel to be a Jewish tourist over there [Germany]. And it made no difference. They took me out for beer and were very nice to me. The older ones didn't like me as much... Nov 21: My kidney is slowly improving, but not as well as it did on the Abomorphine. My co-tenant told me I should ask for the Fenalyn next time. Apparently it's their best. Nov 19: I think I know the cure. We don't need to hack out any organs or anything, it can all be controlled by improved sleeping conditions. I need to be able to sleep vertically. Surely this can't be too hard to accomplish. It's a simple matter of supporting my body in a harness of some sort that suspends me with my feet still touching the floor. We might have some problems with my legs going to sleep at first, but maybe we can get a nurse to help out with my circulation for while, just until I get on my feet. Nov 19: Some of the tightness in my gizzard has returned over the last day or two, and I can just hear my dad if he were still alive: 'Tightness? Is that all? Wait until you get my age! You'll feel like someone stuck a shotgun barrel up your ass and pulled the trigger...' Nov 19: I'm pretty sure I've figured out what happened to me now. It was my hard bed. When your mattress is too firm, it puts pressure on your organs. There's a valve on the kidney that sticks out from your back, kind of a spongy little thing that looks like cauliflower, and if it gets poked too hard, it clenches into a pucker and sucks out all the bile from your gall bladder and pumps it out your nose. You just think you have a cold at first, until you see that your mucus burns holes in your clothing. It burns out all the hairs in your nose so you can't smell anymore and may not realize you are ill. That's probably how it got so far along before we discovered it. Those hospital staff are lucky I used to work in a furniture store and have an expert knowledge of beds. Nov 18: I've had some time to think of how I can help the medical staff with their diagnosis by analyzing my food choices. I bet my preference for microwaved water in my instant coffee is behind some of the crystalizing. When you splinter molecules like that, it turns them into little ice picks that can wear the lining of your tissues and can cause lesions. I should have told them about that, but I forgot...About my Christmas carols, I'm not playing White Christmas, I'm playing Right Christmas. It's a totally different song: I'm aiming for the right Christmas Just like the ones that used to snow Where the fir trees shimmer And people shiver And fear wind chimes on a bow (Oh-oh, oh) I'm eating for the right Christmas With every pumpkin pie I bite May your crust be flaky and light And I hope you get more than a kite Nov 17: I'm starting to come down from my painkillers and learning how to adjust to my condition. I don't need to see the pink squirrel anymore, I just need to remember him. I didn't want to leave my juice. There was still plenty left. I should have waited to say I was feeling better. Nov 16: The paramedics asked me to rate the pain on a scale of ten. I gave it an 8.5, with ten being crucifixion...He said that it would not stop the pain but it would make me oblivious to it. He left and he turned out to be right. When he came back, he was covered in shimmering stardust and had a pink squirrel on his shoulder and as long as I kept my eyes on the squirrel, I felt no pain. The pixies showed me the way out by taxi and I have to go back for more tests. Look at all that material produced in only three weeks. It has more laughs than I saw on TV comedy shows over a ten year period - before the TV started stealing all of its content from my blogs.
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