Made in Canada

I always feel more patriotic when my country helps me get drunk at Christmas. I figure our government can't be all bad if it helps me get drunk. And it makes me reflect on my nationality and realize how Canadian I truly am. Three quarters Celt with a Polish name. The comedy. Relatives in Quebec. Picture of grandfather in an RCMP uniform. I'm as Canadian as they come. An immigrant might roll his eyes at me and say, 'the only problem with Canada is that it has too many Canadians'. When I said I voted for benevolent dictatorship, that was actually a somewhat Canadian remark which is more moderate than it is radical. In fact we do have a dictatorship outside of our elections, the dictatorship of the wealthy elite. They support the moderate parties who let them stay on top and stop us from reverting to all out mob rule. Let's face it, people, if it were up to us, we'd have that guillotine operating around the clock. We need the rich to save us from ourselves. So that's the only kind of dictatorship I would vote for, the one we already have: the one I'm familiar with. In Canada, the government is the big boss, especially if the prime minister is a Trudeau. Nothing happens in business here without government funding. In the U.S. the private sector does more of the funding, I think. Anyway, as long as the government is nice enough to pay for my booze, I find it an ultimately good government. I've already spoken of my Canadian naivety, masquerading as a Jew in the heart of northern Germany, but did I also touch on my Canadian modesty? This is a lesser talked about Canadian quality. I think the U.S. media is trying to stamp it out, but Canadians have a strong sense of social equality. We reject stars and would be the last ones to think of ourselves as stars. I know my people, okay? If we wanted stars, we'd have stars, rather than the CBC. We don't want stars here, we kick them out to the United States. They fuck up our equality with their class divisions. And any stars around here can consider themselves on notice of eviction - except Lindsay Wagner. She can stay if she wants. She's down-to-earth. All the rest of them are in big trouble as soon as I get back here from the United States. Now when it comes to Canadian food, we have our very own bacon here and it is available by the slab for a very fair price. I usually buy the ends. You know where the end of a pig comes from right? It's a little grissly but it digests well as long as you chew it up. Lots of iron, almost as much as cream of wheat. And it makes the ultimate compliment to eggs, or chicken ends. I hope these notes are helpful to my country's request for feedback about our democracy. I'd share it there, but I only have so much time to type with all the songs I've been practicing these days. I think I'm onto something with that Motown metal. Denial (above embedded) is another one like that. My metal songs are usually either blues metal or Motown metal. The bluesy ones like Mayhem or Nonchalant are good for drinking and the Motown ones are better for dancing, I think. So I start my set with a blues-metal one to help the crowd loosen up and then I go straight into the Motown metal from there. Otherwise they'll be too drunk to dance well. I can't stand the sight of drunken dancing. As you can tell, I'm gathering the discipline to be taken seriously in my musical ambitions. And now I better get to that liquor store. Hope there's not too long of a queue.
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